August 28th, 2020
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Looking for the perfect church? Don’t waste time looking at the church’s statement of faith, evaluating their worship, or checking out their children’s programs. The pastor’s hairstyle will tell you everything you need to know! Find your pastor’s hairdo or the closest thing to it here and let him know what you really think of his teaching:
The Osteen – Light and fluffy, this hairstyle is the perfect complement for your pastor’s wishy-washy theology. Usually paired with a creepy, impossibly white smile, the Osteen is a sign you might be attending a heretical church. Consider repenting.
Spurgeon’s Heavenly Mane – Heaven came down and blessed the prince of preachers with a mane like a mighty lion. Very few men have dared to attempt this look. Even fewer pull it off. This pastor has solid theology, but prepare to get absolutely wrecked from the pulpit every Sunday.
The King James Crew Cut – This is the only haircut for the Man O’ God who preaches from the authorized 1611 KJV Bible. Sissified, skinny jeans wearing girly pastors need not apply. This pastor follows the “old paths” and he’s proud of it, amen? A pastor with this haircut is likely to be a member of the NRA and drive a car with a giant Confederate flag emblazoned on the hood.
The Youth Pastor Yeet – This dank haircut be totes adorbs and will give you mad clout if paired with the perfect creps, yo. If you be finna flex your drip and hype the youth, secure the bag and get this hard cut. No cap. (If you could read that, you probably already have this haircut.)
The Angry German Monk – If your pastor has this haircut, he’s likely to drink a few too many beers and then go nail a bunch of complaints to the door of a nearby Catholic church. He might accidentally start a religious and political revolution, so keep a close eye on him. Also, keep him away from any Jews.
The Woman – Hey, wait a minute! Your pastor’s a woman! Send her down to children’s ministry or women’s ministry right away!
The Shiny Dome Of Holiness – This pastor is most likely very well educated as years of exams and thesis papers have robbed him of his hair. His shiny scalp reflects the glory of God and the stage lights onto everyone present. Best paired with a solid beard and maybe some glasses.
The Furtick Fade – Pastors with this haircut are quite likely to make theologically dubious statements, hold their microphone like some kind of rap artist, and make tons of money running a giant multi-site megachurch. Good for you, successful pastor!
The Trump – Oh no! You’re not at a church — you’re at a Trump rally! Eh, close enough.
NOT SATIRE: For the balding pastor, believer, or even heathen, try out Procerin for Men. You can start slowing your hair loss and even regrowing your hair in as little as a few weeks. You’ll be sporting The Osteen in no time.